The Body Language Expert & Motivational Speaker

The other day I talked about the magic of online dating. But the space and anonymity of online dating can be dangerous. It may give license to fib or falsify every thing from their online photo to their profile and current marriage status. It may also free them to be less inhibited and do other things that you normally would not do with the sections and politeness required in face to face interactions. Email and texting are fast and people who use those medians a lot or have been using it to date for any extensive time are use to the speed and the immediate gratification, a friend in my discussion group has been online dating for seven years. He is a tall attractive intelligent guy who owns his own business. I am sure women see him a great catch.  We have watched him go through many two and three week relationships. He calls them his fly high crash and burn relationships. He really does think that the next one will work, but he says matter of factly that there are so many women out there that it is a numbers game you just have to get through them.  

When you are use to that world you may be pushy or overly forward. The reporter who interviewed me said she was dating someone online who was a relationship expert. He started to send her lists of very personal questions. She said she felt interviewed and told him that these are things that would be revolved overtimes naturally and romantically as the relationship progressed. He never emailed her again. And He was a relationship expert. She said that many people online have their list and keep dating thinking they can find that magic person that fits their list. I agreed that there is a problem with list making. I threw away my rather long list a long time ago and started working on me. Perhaps list makers think the problems in their past relationships were the other person, they just did have the perfect person and they never stop to consider they may need to improve the person that was in all the failed relationships, themselves.

They my be  pushy or overly forward in their communication as the relationship moves forward and those late online chats can be intoxicating if you think you have met your soul mate. And yes people are having entire relationships on the intenet or texting. They are even breaking up via email! So be careful out there.

This week I was interviewed as a body language expert about the effect of the lack of nonverbal communication on online dating relationships. The interviewer was excited that I had dated online so I could tell her my first hand experience as well as my professional opinion…

One of the best things is also one of the worst things about the internet. That is the barrier it creates between the two people as they begin the flirting and dating process. The barrier creates both anonymity and physical space between them that is not in any way a natural way to meet and interact with a potential partner.

It allows the online daters to do and say things they would not normally do face to face. Sometimes that can be a great thing. Someone who is normally rather shy can be more courageous and reveal themselves more easily and actually “approach” someone they would not normally feel comfortable asking out or dating. Two people can email each other sweet self disclosing emails saying things that they wouldn’t feel comfortable saying face to face, but still be communicating from their hearts. The space allows hearts to flutter open and tenderness to come out. That can be magical. You may be able to find a love you have waited for. For centuries lovers wrote letters to one another that created some of most beautiful poetry. Online dating can be filled with poetry.

Have you always wanted to know the secrets of body language and learn to become a body language expert?  REGISTER NOW for my free one-hour teleseminar on first impressions to take the first step in becoming a people reader. My nonverbal communication coaching programs guide you through the process of reading people through thoughts and feelings and to consciously be aware of the signals you and the people around you are sending and finally how to use that information to be more successful in your business and personal life. Whether you are a body language novice or have been reading books on the subject for years, it is time to become an expert! It’s time for you to take action and create success in your life with this dynamic communication knowledge.

Join me for a free teleseminar to learn:

• The single-most important thing you must know before you start reading people.
• How to identify someone you can trust from someone who is dangerous.
• Three ways to come across as composed and self assured.
• The four most important factors in establishing a good first impression.
• How to deal with a wimpy handshake.
• Two essential body language tools to feel more at ease meeting people at any meeting, social event or gathering.
• How to get a stranger to start a conversation with you without you saying a word.
• How to get in an out of conversations easily.

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The other night I was at Borders bookstore with a friend. Yes, bookstores are one of my favorite hangouts. I am such a party animal!

I was fascinated to see how crowded the bookstore was on a Sunday night. Did you ever notice how people in line around you avoid making eye-contact? My mother always told me to talk to strangers ( we will consider the Freudian implications of that motherly suggestion another time. ) So when ever I am out in public I just naturally start talking to whoever I am standing with in line. It is tougher to do when they are focusing on the candy in the check out line at borders, but it is possible. Smile and ask them a question. Sunday I was asking people what they where buying. I love good book recommendations. I meet the nicest people everywhere I go. And no I do not pick up men this way, (check out my articles on that) but I do have the best time and the world seems a much friendlier place than it does if you are goal driven and ignore people standing two feet from you. So, try making some eye-contact and smiling and see what happens. And check out my articles on smiling and eye contact on the website. If you haven’t gotten this months newsletter on time use make sure you sign in on the website for a free issue.

Last night a group of us went to Stone Mountain for the Laser show and Fireworks. I am a sucker for Marching Bands, Fountains and Fireworks, so I was especially excited to sit on the big green lawn in front of the mountain and watch the people and the fountain on the lake. The weather was perfect the fried chicken was tasty and the people were, as always fascinating. In my master’s program in nonverbal communication I studied crowd theory, something I have blogged about in the past. Crowd theory says that when a group is crowded together they can be moved to action more quickly and be persuaded more easily. Politicians use it all the time. Think of the crowds swarming around Obama these days. At Stone Mountain it played out wonderfully. Kids got up and danced the Macarena. Everyone cheered to the patriotic music and laughed at the cow cartoons. It felt wonderful to be swept up in the energy and happiness of the crowd. That is something that is hard to do when you are sitting on your sofa watching Netflix. So if you get out in a crowd this Fourth of July weekend notice how you feel. See if you’re swept up in the zeal. Happy red white and blue day!

I remember as a teenager playing my guitar and writing a song with a lyric that went, “I caught one sided love, now what can I do? I’m head to my shoes, filled with the Sunny Day Blues.”

What does singing the blues have to do with body language? You may ask. Well when we have the blues we show the world our sadness through our body language. Researchers Horwitz and

Wakefield (Greater Good Magazine Winter 2007-2008) say that, “…unhappiness serves and evolutionary purpose. When we slump our shoulders, look down and frown or cry it keeps our enemies from feeling aggressive towards us and shows others that we need help. I remember driving home when my best friend was dying. I stopped at a gas station. The gas stations attendant said, “You look like you lost your best friend.” I looked at him with pent back tears in my eyes and as they gushed out I said with a sob, “I am loosing him” and he put his hand on my shoulder while I cried.

When I was 29, I grieved the loss of several loved ones including my soul-connected best friend. That dark, blue time made me realize a lot of things about my self. I learned my strengths and weaknesses and about the value of those incredible people. It made it clear to me that true friendship is a great treasure. The friendships I have made since have been enriched by my experience of loss. We spend so much time laughing and sharing good times, but each friend feels safe to be sad and unhappy with me and I am safe being sad or unhappy with them. Real sorrow is not a weakness; it is nothing to hide away from your true friends and loved ones. In fact, sharing it can draw you closer. As your vulnerabilities show others to share theirs. Surpressing your sadness can not only keep you from learning from your experience and growing, but prevent anyone from helping you and drawing closer to you. And that is a truly great loss.

Why do Powerful women treat less powerful women badly…Many years ago I moved to be near my best friend who was terminally ill. It was a difficult time. Before the move I had been teaching body language and other communication classes at Florida State and running a very successful speaking business. I loved my college students and they loved me. I know it was so, because they would write down every word I said in class (and you wonder why professors get big egos). Many would stay after class, visit me in my office for hours and stop for a hug when they would see me on campus. I had wonderful relationships with my clients as well. I was respected and paid a great deal to speak, and participants would stay after a seminar or speech to shake my hand or visit. If I ran into clients or past participants in the small college town of Tallahassee, I was usually given the same warm friendly response.

Then I moved to the big city, so that I would have the flexibility to run to the hospital for my best friend when I needed to. That first year I chose not to take speaking engagements out of town while he was ill and instead took receptionist jobs through a temporary agency. The pay cut was significant. Instead of $500 an hour I made $7.50 for answering the telephone. Strangely enough, it didn’t bother me that much. What did bother me was how people treated me nonverbally. Inevitably I was at a desk at the entrance to the main entrance of the business. A few weeks before my first temp job I had been smiled at, listened to and hugged by the people I worked for. Sitting behind the receptionist desk, wearing the same clothes that I had worn as a speaker, I was shunned - by the women.

Article Continued…

Eric Wargo writes in the July 2006 Psychological Science, “A series of experiments by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov reveal that all it takes is a tenth of a second to form an impression of a stranger from their face, and that longer exposures don’t significantly alter those impressions (although they might boost your confidence in your judgments).

“Willis and Todorov conducted separate experiments to study judgments from facial appearance, each focusing on a different trait: attractiveness, likeability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness. Participants were shown photographs of unfamiliar faces for 100 milliseconds (1/10 of a second), 500 milliseconds (half a second), or 1,000 milliseconds (a full second), and were immediately asked to judge the faces for the trait in question (e.g., “Is this person competent?”). Response time was measured. Participants were then asked to rate their confidence in making their judgments.”

Study data showed that “Response times also revealed that participants made their judgments as quickly (if not more quickly) after seeing a face for 1/10 of a second as they did if given a longer glimpse. Longer exposure times did increase confidence in judgments…”

Of the  five traits: attractiveness, likeability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness. Guess which one had the highest correlation to positive first impressions?

Trustworthiness. That doesn’t surprise me. In the last 20 years of surveying my audiences that has consisitently been the most important trait.  Go to my website for more information and to sign up for my free newsletter.

Last week I was speaking to a group from Merrill Lynch in Philadelphia and they were interested to know whether it was safe to touch their prospects during a sales call. I offered an example from my own work environment.

After a week on the road speaking I would come into the consulting office where I had my offices. Dressed casually, a big smile on my face I would greet the receptionist and anyone I saw in the halls with a hearty hello. I did not shake hands because that would have been bizarrely formal in our small office. And I didn’t hug anyone, even though I am a big hugger, because they would have thought I had gone off the deep end. But I did manage to touch just about everyone I saw without them even noticing it. I touched them lightly for just a fraction of a second on the forearm somewhere above the fingers and below the elbow. It was just a light touch lasting not more than a fraction of a second, yet each person responded positively leaning forward to talk, relaxing their bodies and smiling. This little touch made a big connection. It was just a simple touch in what I call the “Safe Zone” - the finger tips to the elbow has some of the same positive benefits as a handshake. Guys can touch other men higher on the arm, but the safe zone on women is below the elbow. Any higher on the arm and you are too close to the breasts, so the touch could be misconstrued as sexual.