The Body Language Expert & Motivational Speaker

The other day I talked about the magic of online dating. But the space and anonymity of online dating can be dangerous. It may give license to fib or falsify every thing from their online photo to their profile and current marriage status. It may also free them to be less inhibited and do other things that you normally would not do with the sections and politeness required in face to face interactions. Email and texting are fast and people who use those medians a lot or have been using it to date for any extensive time are use to the speed and the immediate gratification, a friend in my discussion group has been online dating for seven years. He is a tall attractive intelligent guy who owns his own business. I am sure women see him a great catch.  We have watched him go through many two and three week relationships. He calls them his fly high crash and burn relationships. He really does think that the next one will work, but he says matter of factly that there are so many women out there that it is a numbers game you just have to get through them.  

When you are use to that world you may be pushy or overly forward. The reporter who interviewed me said she was dating someone online who was a relationship expert. He started to send her lists of very personal questions. She said she felt interviewed and told him that these are things that would be revolved overtimes naturally and romantically as the relationship progressed. He never emailed her again. And He was a relationship expert. She said that many people online have their list and keep dating thinking they can find that magic person that fits their list. I agreed that there is a problem with list making. I threw away my rather long list a long time ago and started working on me. Perhaps list makers think the problems in their past relationships were the other person, they just did have the perfect person and they never stop to consider they may need to improve the person that was in all the failed relationships, themselves.

They my be  pushy or overly forward in their communication as the relationship moves forward and those late online chats can be intoxicating if you think you have met your soul mate. And yes people are having entire relationships on the intenet or texting. They are even breaking up via email! So be careful out there.

This week I was interviewed as a body language expert about the effect of the lack of nonverbal communication on online dating relationships. The interviewer was excited that I had dated online so I could tell her my first hand experience as well as my professional opinion…

One of the best things is also one of the worst things about the internet. That is the barrier it creates between the two people as they begin the flirting and dating process. The barrier creates both anonymity and physical space between them that is not in any way a natural way to meet and interact with a potential partner.

It allows the online daters to do and say things they would not normally do face to face. Sometimes that can be a great thing. Someone who is normally rather shy can be more courageous and reveal themselves more easily and actually “approach” someone they would not normally feel comfortable asking out or dating. Two people can email each other sweet self disclosing emails saying things that they wouldn’t feel comfortable saying face to face, but still be communicating from their hearts. The space allows hearts to flutter open and tenderness to come out. That can be magical. You may be able to find a love you have waited for. For centuries lovers wrote letters to one another that created some of most beautiful poetry. Online dating can be filled with poetry.

Men and Women are different and that is a wonderful thing. It makes our lives more interesting, and the world a more balanced place. It important to note that the differences are not so much gender linked as gender class linked. What we often are seeing is not really a difference between men and woman, but a difference in status, a difference in the power people have. Not every man adheres to the statements we make about men. Think of Russel Crowe and Pierce Brosnen, Ashton Kuchter, Matt Damon, Arnold Swartzanager and Richard Simmons and not every woman fits the statements we make about women - think Condalesa Rice, Kate Hudsen, Kirstie Alley, Cindy Crawford, Britney Spears and well anybody else on the planet. We are different.

I love my Thursday night Meeting of the Minds discussion Group

We talk about the wildest things we talk about politics, current events, and Kissing. We can move through a heated discussion on Torture and human rights and how we should vote to discussing what are the deal breakers when you are dating. What continues to fascinate me after two years of being with these wonderful folks is how we can continue to sit across the table and argue and disagree and still laugh with one another. I am currently working on a train the trainer program I will be recording in Chicago this month. It is based on my book, “The Conflict Cure.” As I have been working on the training program and rereading my book I have been realizing how often I avoid conflict. Yes, funny but true. I teach what I most need to learn. I know one of the reasons I do everything I can to make an angry person feel good is that I want to ease their pain. Any tense body language feels so uncomfortable to me. I am perhaps too sensitive to peoples pain. I realize that is a problem. It certainly can effect your relationships. Does avoiding conflict effect your romantic relationships?  Tell me about it so I can blog about it.  I will be blogging about verbal and nonverbal ways of dealing with conflict the next two weeks. In the mean time you may want to check out my books on conflict by linking to the products page on my website.

Right after we are born, people start treating boys and girls differently.

Boy babies are put down sooner and not touched as much. Mothers hold their girl babies longer right after birth. They touch and caress girls more, give them more eye contact and smiles. Boy babies, even in their first baths after birth, are handled less gently and put in their own beds away from their mothers sooner. And we wonder why men and women are different. What have you noticed about touch differences between men and women?

I remember as a teenager playing my guitar and writing a song with a lyric that went, “I caught one sided love, now what can I do? I’m head to my shoes, filled with the Sunny Day Blues.”

What does singing the blues have to do with body language? You may ask. Well when we have the blues we show the world our sadness through our body language. Researchers Horwitz and

Wakefield (Greater Good Magazine Winter 2007-2008) say that, “…unhappiness serves and evolutionary purpose. When we slump our shoulders, look down and frown or cry it keeps our enemies from feeling aggressive towards us and shows others that we need help. I remember driving home when my best friend was dying. I stopped at a gas station. The gas stations attendant said, “You look like you lost your best friend.” I looked at him with pent back tears in my eyes and as they gushed out I said with a sob, “I am loosing him” and he put his hand on my shoulder while I cried.

When I was 29, I grieved the loss of several loved ones including my soul-connected best friend. That dark, blue time made me realize a lot of things about my self. I learned my strengths and weaknesses and about the value of those incredible people. It made it clear to me that true friendship is a great treasure. The friendships I have made since have been enriched by my experience of loss. We spend so much time laughing and sharing good times, but each friend feels safe to be sad and unhappy with me and I am safe being sad or unhappy with them. Real sorrow is not a weakness; it is nothing to hide away from your true friends and loved ones. In fact, sharing it can draw you closer. As your vulnerabilities show others to share theirs. Surpressing your sadness can not only keep you from learning from your experience and growing, but prevent anyone from helping you and drawing closer to you. And that is a truly great loss.

Each day I look at the little black and tan furry face of my dog Bo as I say, “Walk outside?” and watch him grin. Yes, lips pulled back, squinty eyed, he smiles. Then his whole body wiggles and fills with glee as he leaps and dances around me. Once the door opens he walks beside me, nose sniffing and tail wagging enjoying each grassy smell, happy for each fellow dog, or child who wants to pet him.  He is in the moment, as if this walk where the first walk, the only walk, the best walk ever, not the walk we take each day, not the walk we have taken for years.  Being with him, watching his body language, I  feel what he is feeling. We were connected in joy.

Article Continued…

Interesting article on personality type for the perfect mate. 

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200603/online-love/4

Eric Wargo writes in the July 2006 Psychological Science, “A series of experiments by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov reveal that all it takes is a tenth of a second to form an impression of a stranger from their face, and that longer exposures don’t significantly alter those impressions (although they might boost your confidence in your judgments).

“Willis and Todorov conducted separate experiments to study judgments from facial appearance, each focusing on a different trait: attractiveness, likeability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness. Participants were shown photographs of unfamiliar faces for 100 milliseconds (1/10 of a second), 500 milliseconds (half a second), or 1,000 milliseconds (a full second), and were immediately asked to judge the faces for the trait in question (e.g., “Is this person competent?”). Response time was measured. Participants were then asked to rate their confidence in making their judgments.”

Study data showed that “Response times also revealed that participants made their judgments as quickly (if not more quickly) after seeing a face for 1/10 of a second as they did if given a longer glimpse. Longer exposure times did increase confidence in judgments…”

Of the  five traits: attractiveness, likeability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness. Guess which one had the highest correlation to positive first impressions?

Trustworthiness. That doesn’t surprise me. In the last 20 years of surveying my audiences that has consisitently been the most important trait.  Go to my website for more information and to sign up for my free newsletter.

Here is an addition to my yesterdays post “Why Men’s & Women’s Voices Are Different“

“Dominance and the evolution of sexual dimorphism in human voice pitch,” Volume 27, Issue 4, Pages 283-296 (July 2006). Abstract Text:

“The developmental and anatomical causes of human voice sexual dimorphisms are known, but the evolutionary causes are not. Some evidence suggests a role of intersexual selection via female mate choice, but other evidence implicates male dominance competition. In this study, we examine the relationships among voice pitch, dominance, and male mating success. Males were audio recorded while participating in an unscripted dating-game scenario. Recordings were subsequently manipulated in voice pitch using computer software and then rated by groups of males for dominance. Results indicate that (1) a masculine, low-pitch voice increases ratings of men’s physical and social dominance, augmenting the former more than the latter; and (2) men who believe they are physically dominant to their competitor lower their voice pitch when addressing him, whereas men who believe they are less dominant raise it. We also found a non significant trend for men who speak at a lower pitch to report more sexual partners in the past year. These results are consistent with the hypothesis that male intrasexual competition was a salient selection pressure on the voices of ancestral males and contributed to human voice sexual dimorphism.”